Major Crisis

Recently I feel like I'm stuck. I feel like I don't want to be where I am. I want my life to be different. I wish I could be different. 

I am a 19 year old, about to go to her 3rd year of college and has NO idea what she wants in her life, but it's definitely not where she's headed now. 

I am stuck with the responsibility of taking care of my family. I am stuck trying to keep up our family reputation/honor/status. I am stuck with my major. 

My issue, for many, is not a big deal. I want to be a stay home mom in the future. But before all of that happens, I obviously need to go and get a good job. And what's a good job without a degree. I don't see myself working in an office, I don't see myself as a doctor, engineer, or anything for that matter. I just see myself as a mother. And I feel like I now live in an era where that is what women shouldn't be. They should be independent, hard-working, self made, and all that other amazing things that I'M NOT. 

Because I don't have a clue what I am interested in learning, I have been told to go into maths, because math is in everything. It's been a year since I decided that and I feel like that was the worst year of school I've ever had. I try so hard to do good, but all I seem to do is fail. I feel like I'm going nowhere with math. And when I try to find something else I can be passionate about, I'm stopped, told to reverse, and go back to what I've been told to do. 

Doing math makes me slowly lose myself. For the past year now, I have started getting anxieties. I get panic attacks, I lose my breath, and I just feel like I'm drowning. All I can think about is failing. Failing myself, my parents, my family, our reputation, our everything.

America is the land of opportunity. That's why my family moved here. So they can leave their world behind and start a better one for their family. I understand that. But I don't know if it;s the right place for me. 

I would rather work all day and all night than go to school. It's like my own personal jail. I can't stop thinking about it. I am forced to think, breathe, and live math and I just cant. But I don't know if it's just math. 

I also have a fear of failing. Disappointing others. My family especially. And I know they want the best for me, but sometimes it's just they are purposely making it harder for me. They have rejected me so many times and chose the "better" option. And I know it's suppose to be better, but it doesn't seem like it. 

All I want in life is to get married, have kids, and take care of my family and parents. 

And because of this one decision, I feel like a complete failure. I'm not driven, I can't do anything right. I am being torn apart one by one. I just feel like leaving it all behind. Going somewhere else and forgetting all my problems. It scares me, but I just want the pain to go away. I don't want to end up doing something bad to myself. And it scares me to think that I might be close to doing it.