Am I Alone?

Hey guys!!

So recently I have been feeling super bleh about how my life is. I literally don't know what I am doing anymore. I feel like I am always waiting for the day to end. I want to go out and do things, but as I have said before I don't get to hang out with a lot of my old friends and I don't really have any new ones. 

This sounds stupid saying out loud, but I feel like I am going to go crazy if I don't say it somewhere. I mean, I have told my brother this and a couple of my old friends, but I don't know why I still feel like I need to tell someone else, but I do. 

I am in a part of my life where I should be making big decisions about my future and making sure I do everything right so I do have a future. I have to go to school and do homework and pass classes and everything.

But I wish I could just stop. I want to scream my head off because everything is getting to be too much. I hate every second I am in school. I dread doing homework everything night. And recently, for some reason, I keep forgetting to do my homework. This usually NEVER happens. I used to be that person who no matter what, gets her homework done, because that was the easiest part of the class. I never really needed to write down what I needed to do, I usually just knew. But this semester, I have forgotten to do 5 homework so far. 

I feel like school is taking a huge part of me away from me. I use to be able to handle this. I used to tell myself only 4 years of college and I can be done, but now just 4 months of college scares me. I feel like I can't get myself to go through. 

On top of that, all my family friends keeps asking me about school and usually I would tell them that everything is good, but now I have to think twice about my answer and keep worrying about them asking me that because I am sick and tired of lying. 

I really wish I could just tell my parents that I don't want to go to school anymore. I want to start working. Even if its something little I just want to start working and stop wasting their money on sending me to school. 

Last Friday, I was walking through my school halls, where they had offices for different things like managing money or helping out the community. I was fine, just going from my class to the bathroom and back. And then I started thinking about if the counselors office were there or not. Then I kid you not, I wanted to cry. I wanted to walk into the counselors office and just bawl my eyes out. I am seriously scared about my life right now. Nothing is going right anymore. 

This is the first time in my life where school has effected my life this much. It gives me anxiety and this pressure to stay perfect, but I can't anymore. I am breaking... and I don't really know what to do and how to handle this.
I, sometimes, wish something horrible would happen to me, so I wouldn't have to go to school anymore. I know it's not the right this or a good thing, but I would sit and imagine me getting a concussion or something random and minor where I wouldn't have to deal with school. 

I am sorry if this was too much to put up. I don't know what to do anymore and how to stop feeling this way. I was hoping some of you guys might have some advice on what to do. Let me know. Thanks!

School Stress

Since it is February, my classes have start up again. I am back in school and will be there for the next 4 months. 

School literally just started and I CANNOT wait until it's over. whyyyy!!!

I have recently been going through this phase where I don't want to go to school anymore. I mean I never really liked school to begin with, but recently I have been really doubting myself. Like REALLY!!

Now I don't know if this is coming from me hating my major (math), me going through a phase in my life (all my friends are going through this as well), or if I am just not meant for the school life. 

Now you might be sitting there reading this and thinking, YOU'RE OVER REACTING! But I assure you, I am not. 

It might be a college student issue. Starting to live in the real world and maybe the stress is getting to me. 

I also hate the thought of wasting my parents money. They are working hard and getting me into college and I'm not even sure about any of this. They want me to go to college and get a degree, but for what? Something I don't even like. I really appreciate everything they are doing for me, but sometimes I want to just stop and tell the how I really feel. 

I've got super strict asian parents, so life is even harder.

Now I am going to tell you something weird. I don't mind the thought of working hard. Like hard labor. Like 14 hour shifts kind of hard labor. The thought of that sounds better than going to school. I am the type of person (I may be the only person) who hates just sitting there. Unless it's something I like or watching movies or something I ACTUALLY enjoy with all my heart, I can't stand just sitting in one spot. Even when I do enjoy something so much, sitting there just gets so.... boring after a period of time.  

That's the same with school. You go to a class and just sit there... learning. 

Then I think about my future after getting a job and I think about some really boring jobs where I sit in a cubicle for hours and hours, just sitting there, working on a computer. The sound of that is just horrid. I would rather be working hard and doing something, walking around, just anything so I don't have to just sit there. 

Now you might think I'm nuts at this point, but I feel like I have a valid reason to be myself. 

Some people enjoy going to school and learning new things and I ENVY those people. I wish I was the type of person who wanted to learn and stuff. But I'm not. 

I feel like if I started working now, I could start earning money and everything. I feel like that would be better than me going to college and not really liking what I am doing. I'm not even good at school. I don't know. 

Let me know if any of you guys are dealing with this or have dealt with it. 

Any advice? (any would help)

Stressing and Dressing

Finals. God they freak me out. I feel like I'm near death because of it.
Finals gets me shitting my pants and excited at the same time. Why? Because I am so ready to get school over with, but at the same time I'm not ready to take the exams. By the time finals come around, I feel exhausted. I am not capable of concentrating on anything. I never want to get out of bed in the morning. I just want to live in my sweats and sit right next to my heater.
But we can't all live in a fairytale world. Instead of rolling out of bed and just going straight to school, I dress up and do my make-up. Some might call me stupid and crazy. Why not get an extra 40 minutes of sleep instead of pampering myself? Because I enjoy looking good. Which is both a curse and gift.
Never do I ever have to be in College and think, well I look like shit today. I can go out shopping or something right after class ends if I wanted to, without worrying that I look like utter crap and am wearing sweats. I mean, its not the end of the world if I do, but it makes me feel much better. I like it when people compliment me on my lipstick color or the dress I'm wearing or how I did my hair that day. It feels good to express myself through dressing up.
Even though its winter, a Minnesota winter, which is always brutal, I just love to pair my skirts with tights, with a nice top even though people only see it when I take off my thick long North Face jacket off, because its freezing out. Even if I only take off my jacket for an hour while I'm sitting down at a table taking notes. It really is worth it.
In the end, I feel amazing. Looks aren't everything, but it feels good to look good. Of course I'm not doing it for other people. I want to look good for myself. It just makes me feel better about myself. Its not that I have my foundation, blush, lipstick, and mascara on. Its that I made an effort to feel good and am taking care of myself. That makes me feel really good.
Tell me, am I weird? Or does someone actually agree with me? Do I make sense even? Probably not.