Am I Alone?

Hey guys!!

So recently I have been feeling super bleh about how my life is. I literally don't know what I am doing anymore. I feel like I am always waiting for the day to end. I want to go out and do things, but as I have said before I don't get to hang out with a lot of my old friends and I don't really have any new ones. 

This sounds stupid saying out loud, but I feel like I am going to go crazy if I don't say it somewhere. I mean, I have told my brother this and a couple of my old friends, but I don't know why I still feel like I need to tell someone else, but I do. 

I am in a part of my life where I should be making big decisions about my future and making sure I do everything right so I do have a future. I have to go to school and do homework and pass classes and everything.

But I wish I could just stop. I want to scream my head off because everything is getting to be too much. I hate every second I am in school. I dread doing homework everything night. And recently, for some reason, I keep forgetting to do my homework. This usually NEVER happens. I used to be that person who no matter what, gets her homework done, because that was the easiest part of the class. I never really needed to write down what I needed to do, I usually just knew. But this semester, I have forgotten to do 5 homework so far. 

I feel like school is taking a huge part of me away from me. I use to be able to handle this. I used to tell myself only 4 years of college and I can be done, but now just 4 months of college scares me. I feel like I can't get myself to go through. 

On top of that, all my family friends keeps asking me about school and usually I would tell them that everything is good, but now I have to think twice about my answer and keep worrying about them asking me that because I am sick and tired of lying. 

I really wish I could just tell my parents that I don't want to go to school anymore. I want to start working. Even if its something little I just want to start working and stop wasting their money on sending me to school. 

Last Friday, I was walking through my school halls, where they had offices for different things like managing money or helping out the community. I was fine, just going from my class to the bathroom and back. And then I started thinking about if the counselors office were there or not. Then I kid you not, I wanted to cry. I wanted to walk into the counselors office and just bawl my eyes out. I am seriously scared about my life right now. Nothing is going right anymore. 

This is the first time in my life where school has effected my life this much. It gives me anxiety and this pressure to stay perfect, but I can't anymore. I am breaking... and I don't really know what to do and how to handle this.
I, sometimes, wish something horrible would happen to me, so I wouldn't have to go to school anymore. I know it's not the right this or a good thing, but I would sit and imagine me getting a concussion or something random and minor where I wouldn't have to deal with school. 

I am sorry if this was too much to put up. I don't know what to do anymore and how to stop feeling this way. I was hoping some of you guys might have some advice on what to do. Let me know. Thanks!

School Stress

Since it is February, my classes have start up again. I am back in school and will be there for the next 4 months. 

School literally just started and I CANNOT wait until it's over. whyyyy!!!

I have recently been going through this phase where I don't want to go to school anymore. I mean I never really liked school to begin with, but recently I have been really doubting myself. Like REALLY!!

Now I don't know if this is coming from me hating my major (math), me going through a phase in my life (all my friends are going through this as well), or if I am just not meant for the school life. 

Now you might be sitting there reading this and thinking, YOU'RE OVER REACTING! But I assure you, I am not. 

It might be a college student issue. Starting to live in the real world and maybe the stress is getting to me. 

I also hate the thought of wasting my parents money. They are working hard and getting me into college and I'm not even sure about any of this. They want me to go to college and get a degree, but for what? Something I don't even like. I really appreciate everything they are doing for me, but sometimes I want to just stop and tell the how I really feel. 

I've got super strict asian parents, so life is even harder.

Now I am going to tell you something weird. I don't mind the thought of working hard. Like hard labor. Like 14 hour shifts kind of hard labor. The thought of that sounds better than going to school. I am the type of person (I may be the only person) who hates just sitting there. Unless it's something I like or watching movies or something I ACTUALLY enjoy with all my heart, I can't stand just sitting in one spot. Even when I do enjoy something so much, sitting there just gets so.... boring after a period of time.  

That's the same with school. You go to a class and just sit there... learning. 

Then I think about my future after getting a job and I think about some really boring jobs where I sit in a cubicle for hours and hours, just sitting there, working on a computer. The sound of that is just horrid. I would rather be working hard and doing something, walking around, just anything so I don't have to just sit there. 

Now you might think I'm nuts at this point, but I feel like I have a valid reason to be myself. 

Some people enjoy going to school and learning new things and I ENVY those people. I wish I was the type of person who wanted to learn and stuff. But I'm not. 

I feel like if I started working now, I could start earning money and everything. I feel like that would be better than me going to college and not really liking what I am doing. I'm not even good at school. I don't know. 

Let me know if any of you guys are dealing with this or have dealt with it. 

Any advice? (any would help)

Tis The Season...

There is literally 3 days until it's Christmas. 9 days until it's 2015. How did this year go by so fast? How? This is crazy. It doesn't even make sense. 

This year, everything's different. It's the first time where we don't have like 3 feet of snow outside this close to Christmas. This is the first time where I am really sad we don't celebrate Christmas. The first time where I wish I could be doing something.  And on top of all of this, something tragic happened. No one died, but it feels like that. 

Since we don't celebrate Christmas, this means I don't get to buy and get gifts. I don't get to have a huge family gather together at someone's house. It means I don't have a tree to decorate. We're not wearing ugly sweaters and don't have fairy lights everywhere. I don't get to wrap a gift for anyone. I can't get excited for anything. 

Without the snow outside, I feel even less festive then I usually ever do, and that's saying a lot. I feel like it's spring and that makes me sad because spring is so far away. It has only snowed twice this year and everything has literally melted away. It might be a green/brown Christmas this year. Maybe.

Unlike last year, this year we don't have my siblings visiting for the heck of it. I have a month and a half break and last year we decided to invite my brothers and their families over. Though they couldn't come at the same time, it was fine. My month ended with them staying and leaving. It was great. This year, they won't be coming and it made me realize I have a MONTH and a HALF off from school. And because of the tragic incident, I will be spending it in sorrow. It has been 4 days since my break started and everyday I have spent it crying. 

Not to bring this post down or anything, but I feel like I can't share this with anyone. I can't talk to my mom because she's part of the problem. I can't talk to my brothers because it's a 'private' family matter. Like what even is that? I don't want to tell my friends about it because I don't want to bring their break down. I didn't want to post about it because how sad even is that. UGH, I just don't know what do about this. It blows my mind. I have spent the past 3 days locked up in my room. I feel so trapped and to think I have a month and a half to keep it up. 

I even started writing in my journal again. I didn't plan it. It kind of just happened. 

I don't even know what do. 

Shopping Spree

Shopping!

It's the best thing ever. Whether it's for clothes, make-up, shoes, or little knick-knacks, it always makes me happy. 

But.

I don't know if its just me or what, but when someone takes me to a store and says 'Alright, buy whatever you want', I panic. I freak out and can't find a single thing I like. I walk around the whole store a couple times, looking through everything and there's nothing. It then turns out, I've been in the store for about at least an hour and I still don't have a single thing. So I decide to do the next best thing, I walk around finding things that sort of look nice and just pick anything and everything that I might wear. By the end, I only end up with like 5 things. 

Once I'm home and I get the things out and try them on again. They end up looking weird on me. Its too long, which always happens since I'm only 5'3", or its too big, or its doesn't fit me around a certain area, and I just slump. I sit there and think, maybe I'll end up liking it later. 

Fast forward to later... I still don't like it, of course. Then I decide it's time to take these clothes back and buy something else with that money. Which I do. I find things way cuter and something I would definitely wear. Then I live happily ever after! 

I don't know if that only ever happens to me, but I struggle with it all the time. Why is that? Why do I get so overwhelmed when I have the opportunity to buy whatever I want? WHYYY?....

My Mini Dilema

So about 2 months ago, I moved out of my room and into the basement living room. It is literally twice the size of my old room. Which leads to major empty spaces for decorating. 

I have bought a couple things that look nice, but I am just not happy at all with how my room looks at this moment. Its a big rectangle room with a little extra square room in the corner, which I've turned into a walk-in-closet. I have like 2 tables, 4 drawers, 3 chairs, 2 sofa like chair thing, a room divider, and my bed. I have pictures on this shelve that is like attached to the wall and a couple paintings. I also have an oval mirror by my door leading into the garage. I mean I have all the major things, but it literally feels like an old person is living in my room instead of a 19 year old. It's so blah and it doesn't help that half my room wall is made out of wood. I want more little cute things without looking too crowded and messy. 

I've tried looking online at like Pinterest and things, but it is no use at all. I feel like theres nothing online that matches how my room looks like. 

I'm also stuck in between my different sides. One side is thinking in the future and how I would like it to look when I'm older and have everything just ready for that. I want something posh, but still cute with like stripes, dots, mint colors and little decors around my room. The other side just wants to be me and have fairy lights all over the place, with pictures hanging on strings, bed curtains, and have a very hippie/indie room. 

I was so excited when I first moved in. I had all these ideas about how I wanted to do my room, but once I've moved in here, I've realized that I have so much space and no creativity to fill it up with. I was like a minimal decor, but for it to still look cute and still be me. 

I feel so lost trying to be me. This is such a little thing to be going on about, but seriously. I need help.