Am I Alone?

Hey guys!!

So recently I have been feeling super bleh about how my life is. I literally don't know what I am doing anymore. I feel like I am always waiting for the day to end. I want to go out and do things, but as I have said before I don't get to hang out with a lot of my old friends and I don't really have any new ones. 

This sounds stupid saying out loud, but I feel like I am going to go crazy if I don't say it somewhere. I mean, I have told my brother this and a couple of my old friends, but I don't know why I still feel like I need to tell someone else, but I do. 

I am in a part of my life where I should be making big decisions about my future and making sure I do everything right so I do have a future. I have to go to school and do homework and pass classes and everything.

But I wish I could just stop. I want to scream my head off because everything is getting to be too much. I hate every second I am in school. I dread doing homework everything night. And recently, for some reason, I keep forgetting to do my homework. This usually NEVER happens. I used to be that person who no matter what, gets her homework done, because that was the easiest part of the class. I never really needed to write down what I needed to do, I usually just knew. But this semester, I have forgotten to do 5 homework so far. 

I feel like school is taking a huge part of me away from me. I use to be able to handle this. I used to tell myself only 4 years of college and I can be done, but now just 4 months of college scares me. I feel like I can't get myself to go through. 

On top of that, all my family friends keeps asking me about school and usually I would tell them that everything is good, but now I have to think twice about my answer and keep worrying about them asking me that because I am sick and tired of lying. 

I really wish I could just tell my parents that I don't want to go to school anymore. I want to start working. Even if its something little I just want to start working and stop wasting their money on sending me to school. 

Last Friday, I was walking through my school halls, where they had offices for different things like managing money or helping out the community. I was fine, just going from my class to the bathroom and back. And then I started thinking about if the counselors office were there or not. Then I kid you not, I wanted to cry. I wanted to walk into the counselors office and just bawl my eyes out. I am seriously scared about my life right now. Nothing is going right anymore. 

This is the first time in my life where school has effected my life this much. It gives me anxiety and this pressure to stay perfect, but I can't anymore. I am breaking... and I don't really know what to do and how to handle this.
I, sometimes, wish something horrible would happen to me, so I wouldn't have to go to school anymore. I know it's not the right this or a good thing, but I would sit and imagine me getting a concussion or something random and minor where I wouldn't have to deal with school. 

I am sorry if this was too much to put up. I don't know what to do anymore and how to stop feeling this way. I was hoping some of you guys might have some advice on what to do. Let me know. Thanks!

School Stress

Since it is February, my classes have start up again. I am back in school and will be there for the next 4 months. 

School literally just started and I CANNOT wait until it's over. whyyyy!!!

I have recently been going through this phase where I don't want to go to school anymore. I mean I never really liked school to begin with, but recently I have been really doubting myself. Like REALLY!!

Now I don't know if this is coming from me hating my major (math), me going through a phase in my life (all my friends are going through this as well), or if I am just not meant for the school life. 

Now you might be sitting there reading this and thinking, YOU'RE OVER REACTING! But I assure you, I am not. 

It might be a college student issue. Starting to live in the real world and maybe the stress is getting to me. 

I also hate the thought of wasting my parents money. They are working hard and getting me into college and I'm not even sure about any of this. They want me to go to college and get a degree, but for what? Something I don't even like. I really appreciate everything they are doing for me, but sometimes I want to just stop and tell the how I really feel. 

I've got super strict asian parents, so life is even harder.

Now I am going to tell you something weird. I don't mind the thought of working hard. Like hard labor. Like 14 hour shifts kind of hard labor. The thought of that sounds better than going to school. I am the type of person (I may be the only person) who hates just sitting there. Unless it's something I like or watching movies or something I ACTUALLY enjoy with all my heart, I can't stand just sitting in one spot. Even when I do enjoy something so much, sitting there just gets so.... boring after a period of time.  

That's the same with school. You go to a class and just sit there... learning. 

Then I think about my future after getting a job and I think about some really boring jobs where I sit in a cubicle for hours and hours, just sitting there, working on a computer. The sound of that is just horrid. I would rather be working hard and doing something, walking around, just anything so I don't have to just sit there. 

Now you might think I'm nuts at this point, but I feel like I have a valid reason to be myself. 

Some people enjoy going to school and learning new things and I ENVY those people. I wish I was the type of person who wanted to learn and stuff. But I'm not. 

I feel like if I started working now, I could start earning money and everything. I feel like that would be better than me going to college and not really liking what I am doing. I'm not even good at school. I don't know. 

Let me know if any of you guys are dealing with this or have dealt with it. 

Any advice? (any would help)

A Bit Weird

Everyone has habits. I mean there has to be.

There is always something we do when we're nervous, scared, worried, happy, bored, or even all the time. 

For me there are a lot of things I think are weird and maybe could qualify as habits, 

but that's not what I'm here to talk about. I am here to talk about my weirdest and most random habits.

Sometimes I do this when I'm bored. When I need time to pass and don't really care about my surrounding. Other times, I just do it because I can.

And here they are. 

So being a girl means long hair. Being me means long damaged hair. It's not that I don't take care of them, I do. But that's another story. 

With this long hair, I have the access to look at it, especially the ends. Which means, yes you guessed it, split-ends. I have the worst habit of pulling at my split-ends. The minute I remember I have hair, which I do sometimes forget I do have, I have to mess with it. I even somehow manage to do it when I have it up in a pony-tail and a bun. Like I will go through so much, just to play with my hair. I'm not the only one in the world who does that, obvs, but I feel like I pass a limit of doing it. Then at the end of whatever I am doing, I look down at my lap and, of course, I have a pile of hair. GROSS. So I awkwardly try to push it off me without people noticing, which isn't easy when there are a class full of students or room full of people. 

Another weird habit I have is picking at my cuticles. There isn't ever really a time when I'm not picking at my cuticles. I mean, I take care of my nails and stuff, but my cuticles, I swear hates me. It is never not dry. I have gotten like many cuticle creams and stuff, and I even got through a couple weeks using it daily, but that was like high-school. Everyday in my Genocide class my friends would ask for it, so then I would use it too, but ever since high-school ended, I have always had dry cuticles. It's only my middle, pointer, and thumbs that are always dry too. Like why? On both hands. I don't know how to remind myself to keep using the cuticle creams, but god I wish it would stop. 

And the worst one is biting my lips. Now, I'm not talking sexy lip biting. I'm talking full on gnawing on my lips and inner lip/mouth area. I don't really remember how it started. It must've been on a very bad dry lip day or something, but that started and it has gone bad to shit from there. I can't stop. I try and say to myself 'Alrighty, today I'm going to try and not bite my lips', but that doesn't work. I try for a bit then I end up saying 'screw it'. I even made a joke New Year's Resolution to not bite my lips and I have FAILED!!! clearly. I even ran out of gum, which usually keeps my teeth busy, so it's really bad right now. It also doesn't help that it's winter here. 

So those are my super weird and random habits. Well, at least I think they're weird and random, but you might not. What are some of your bad habits? Are you willing to accept it's a bad habit? I don't know. 

Let me know if any of you guys struggle with this And let me know if you have found a way out. Help a sister out!!!  

My Mini Dilema

So about 2 months ago, I moved out of my room and into the basement living room. It is literally twice the size of my old room. Which leads to major empty spaces for decorating. 

I have bought a couple things that look nice, but I am just not happy at all with how my room looks at this moment. Its a big rectangle room with a little extra square room in the corner, which I've turned into a walk-in-closet. I have like 2 tables, 4 drawers, 3 chairs, 2 sofa like chair thing, a room divider, and my bed. I have pictures on this shelve that is like attached to the wall and a couple paintings. I also have an oval mirror by my door leading into the garage. I mean I have all the major things, but it literally feels like an old person is living in my room instead of a 19 year old. It's so blah and it doesn't help that half my room wall is made out of wood. I want more little cute things without looking too crowded and messy. 

I've tried looking online at like Pinterest and things, but it is no use at all. I feel like theres nothing online that matches how my room looks like. 

I'm also stuck in between my different sides. One side is thinking in the future and how I would like it to look when I'm older and have everything just ready for that. I want something posh, but still cute with like stripes, dots, mint colors and little decors around my room. The other side just wants to be me and have fairy lights all over the place, with pictures hanging on strings, bed curtains, and have a very hippie/indie room. 

I was so excited when I first moved in. I had all these ideas about how I wanted to do my room, but once I've moved in here, I've realized that I have so much space and no creativity to fill it up with. I was like a minimal decor, but for it to still look cute and still be me. 

I feel so lost trying to be me. This is such a little thing to be going on about, but seriously. I need help.