There is literally 3 days until it's Christmas. 9 days until it's 2015. How did this year go by so fast? How? This is crazy. It doesn't even make sense.
This year, everything's different. It's the first time where we don't have like 3 feet of snow outside this close to Christmas. This is the first time where I am really sad we don't celebrate Christmas. The first time where I wish I could be doing something. And on top of all of this, something tragic happened. No one died, but it feels like that.
Since we don't celebrate Christmas, this means I don't get to buy and get gifts. I don't get to have a huge family gather together at someone's house. It means I don't have a tree to decorate. We're not wearing ugly sweaters and don't have fairy lights everywhere. I don't get to wrap a gift for anyone. I can't get excited for anything.
Without the snow outside, I feel even less festive then I usually ever do, and that's saying a lot. I feel like it's spring and that makes me sad because spring is so far away. It has only snowed twice this year and everything has literally melted away. It might be a green/brown Christmas this year. Maybe.
Unlike last year, this year we don't have my siblings visiting for the heck of it. I have a month and a half break and last year we decided to invite my brothers and their families over. Though they couldn't come at the same time, it was fine. My month ended with them staying and leaving. It was great. This year, they won't be coming and it made me realize I have a MONTH and a HALF off from school. And because of the tragic incident, I will be spending it in sorrow. It has been 4 days since my break started and everyday I have spent it crying.
Not to bring this post down or anything, but I feel like I can't share this with anyone. I can't talk to my mom because she's part of the problem. I can't talk to my brothers because it's a 'private' family matter. Like what even is that? I don't want to tell my friends about it because I don't want to bring their break down. I didn't want to post about it because how sad even is that. UGH, I just don't know what do about this. It blows my mind. I have spent the past 3 days locked up in my room. I feel so trapped and to think I have a month and a half to keep it up.
I even started writing in my journal again. I didn't plan it. It kind of just happened.
I don't even know what do.
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