2015!

You guys! It's almost 2015!

I can't believe 2014 is about to end. It literally feels like it just started. Oh well.

Well a New Year means New Year's Resolution!! 

I've never really took it serious, but I want to try hard this year. So here are a couple things I want to do in 2015!

First things first. Lose weight. Well, not technically lose weight, but get in shape. I get told that I am fairly skinny, but I also have a lot of meat on me. My brother calls me the fattest skinny person he knows. Which, I guess, makes sense. So I don't really want to lose weight, but just get more toned. I want to look fit, but not muscular. 

Second thing I want to do is be better in school. Lately I feel like I am just drifting through school. I'm not really trying and I don't care too much about it. I want to be able to spend more time doing my work and dedicating myself to get higher grades. 

Another thing I want to do is work on spending money on things. Whenever I go into a shop, I have to buy something. Whether I need it, want it, or it's the only thing I can find to get, I need to walk out of that store knowing that I purchased something; that my time going there wasn't a waste. Because of this, I have plenty of stupid things I don't really need or want. Then I have buyers remorse. That is the worst thing. Especially if I have either thrown away my receipt or pulled off the tag. It's not a good feeling at all, so I want to work on keeping the money until I really need or want something so I can actually enjoy it later. 

The last thing I want to work on is finding something I really enjoy. Throughout my life I sort of had an idea about what I want to do and what I liked. Whether it was photography, fashion, make-up, knitting, nails, writing, or whatever, I would always start out strong and quit eventually. But this year I want to change that and find something I really like and stick to it. I want to work hard learning and perfecting whatever it is so at least I know something. And even if I don't perfect it, I want to at least find something to enjoy. Which sounds weird because what a person enjoys is whatever they enjoy. It's not something they find and sit perfecting it, but this is me we're talking about, so life has to be difficult. 

I don't know if I will be able to do any of these. I've honestly never attempted doing a New Year's Resolution, but I want to start. Let me know if you have and how it worked out for you. 

Tis The Season...

There is literally 3 days until it's Christmas. 9 days until it's 2015. How did this year go by so fast? How? This is crazy. It doesn't even make sense. 

This year, everything's different. It's the first time where we don't have like 3 feet of snow outside this close to Christmas. This is the first time where I am really sad we don't celebrate Christmas. The first time where I wish I could be doing something.  And on top of all of this, something tragic happened. No one died, but it feels like that. 

Since we don't celebrate Christmas, this means I don't get to buy and get gifts. I don't get to have a huge family gather together at someone's house. It means I don't have a tree to decorate. We're not wearing ugly sweaters and don't have fairy lights everywhere. I don't get to wrap a gift for anyone. I can't get excited for anything. 

Without the snow outside, I feel even less festive then I usually ever do, and that's saying a lot. I feel like it's spring and that makes me sad because spring is so far away. It has only snowed twice this year and everything has literally melted away. It might be a green/brown Christmas this year. Maybe.

Unlike last year, this year we don't have my siblings visiting for the heck of it. I have a month and a half break and last year we decided to invite my brothers and their families over. Though they couldn't come at the same time, it was fine. My month ended with them staying and leaving. It was great. This year, they won't be coming and it made me realize I have a MONTH and a HALF off from school. And because of the tragic incident, I will be spending it in sorrow. It has been 4 days since my break started and everyday I have spent it crying. 

Not to bring this post down or anything, but I feel like I can't share this with anyone. I can't talk to my mom because she's part of the problem. I can't talk to my brothers because it's a 'private' family matter. Like what even is that? I don't want to tell my friends about it because I don't want to bring their break down. I didn't want to post about it because how sad even is that. UGH, I just don't know what do about this. It blows my mind. I have spent the past 3 days locked up in my room. I feel so trapped and to think I have a month and a half to keep it up. 

I even started writing in my journal again. I didn't plan it. It kind of just happened. 

I don't even know what do. 

Socially Awkward

Friends.

Everyone has them. I have them. 

But you know what I've noticed lately. I have literally forgotten to make friends now. Which is stupid. 

When I was little, I made friends easily because we're all kids and there's nothing to worry about. Now that I'm all grown up (kind of), I feel so left out. I think about being social and I have a nervous break-down because it's just all too much. 

I go to hang out with my friends from high-school and sometimes it's weird. Like it takes me a while to just be me and there's always awkward pauses. 

I feel like the person that I am, is very loud, energetic, loving, and talkative, but I can't seem to bring that out when I am actually with other people. 

I think I might be because my parents are super protective and never let me casually hang out with my friends. I repeat a 19 year old girl has to ask for permission every time she wants to go hang out with her friends. Let me tell you, if you ever have kids, don't do that. It ruins a persons life when they live like this. I am sure there are people out there who don't mind staying home and not hanging out with their friends all the time, but I feel like I wasn't meant to be like this. 

I want to be crazy and weird with my friends, but because of not seeing them for a while, I feel like I can't be that. I kind of have to slowly bring that part of me out. And it's annoying. Really annoying. What person doesn't want to be themselves around their friends. And it's not like they're not the right friends for me. They are. They're all super lovely and crazy and just like me, but because I lack that friendship contact for long periods of time, it's just strange to go back into it. 

I remember back in high school, when I was in dance. I was the loudest, craziest, and the most hyper person ever. At the end of each season, we would give out silly little awards for everyone and I always got the ones that says best personality, or attitude, or energy. Thinking about it now, it kind of scares me. I don't think I can ever be like that again. Which is really sad. 

So I'm telling you this now, Never be overly protective of you kids. It bothers me everyday thinking about it. It scares me that I wont have friends when I'm all grown up. I'll only have my brothers and as much as I love them, I need girls in my life. 

Can anyone relate to this? Any tips you guys know? I just want to go back to being the old me. 

Candles, Make-Up, And An Umbrella

Mini Shopping Spree!

I have gone shopping once again! No surprise there. 

I have recently gotten into lipstick seeing that it is winter and winter is just better with darker lipstick.

The foundation that I have down there wasn't bought today, but it's really good so I thought I would share it. 

I also went and got some candles because like I've said in my previous post, I need things to fill up my room, so what better than something pretty and that smells good! 

As I went and looked around. I needed something to hang my necklaces on.  I couldn't find anything for my necklaces, but I did find this super cute up-side-down umbrella to put my ear-rings on. 

Here are all the candles I got.

These ones, I don't think I will put them in the candle collection. I have two really cute candle holder than I want to put these on. 

I really love my candles with little designs on them. I really liked this. I wanted keep my theme for the candles to be like silver/grey/blue. 

I think if I wanted to describe how the colors of my room is like, I would use this. The color is a mixture of blue and grey together with that hint of gold.

This one doesn't really go with the theme that I wanted to stick to, but it smelled really good and I loved that design, so I couldn't resist.

This is by Milani. It is called Sangria, #21. This is like the perfect shade of a dark lipstick with a hint of purple. I just love this so much. I love wearing this with anything and everything. It was only $2.99 so yay me. 

This is also by Milani. It is called Best Red, #07. I bought a red lipstick from Revlon a while back, but the color didn't seem to come on my lips as I wanted. It was a light shade of red, which I didn't like. Then I bought this and I would say this does red lips justice. It was only $2.99. 

This is by Revlon. It is called Black Cherry, #477. This is much more darker than the previous, but I love it just as much. It is harder to wear this than the other one. I would say this one I have to pair it with the right kinds of clothes to make it work. I think I paid $6.99 for this one.

Ok. This is the HD by Make-up Forever. I freaking love this thing. For a long time now, I have been struggling to find a medium coverage foundation that does seem too oily or make my skin look too dry. I had two different kinds of Chanel ones that were okay. The foundation that I used after was a Stila one and I really loved it, but I wanted a little bit more coverage. That was last winter. Then during the summer I thought I would buy the BareSkin by BareMinerals. I absolutely hated it. The first thing that I saw was what looked like oil drip out of the tube. I instantly regretted it. I thought maybe I should shake it up a bit more and try it out. I did and the coverage was ok, but there was a couple things I did not like. The smell that came from the foundation was so weird. Another thing is that it left streak marks on my face. I have tried it with a couple different brushes, I have tried using my fingers, but nothing worked. I used my Sigma Kabuki brush and I would pat it on instead of rubbing it in my face in a circular motion and that sort of helped. I used it for a while and noticed that towards the end of the day, my face was so oily, it was disgusting. So I decided to switch. I did my research and I really liked this one. I talked to the make-up artist at Sephora and she said this one would work better for me than the other one I had in mind. I got it for about $54 and absolutely love myself for getting it. It goes one perfectly and lasts a really long time.

This is the little up-side-down umbrella. It is super cute. I love the gold outlines, and the little bird on top. I have this set on my dressing table with my earrings on it.

Here's everything I got! Hope you guys enjoyed. Let me know which ones your favorite!

Shopping Spree

Shopping!

It's the best thing ever. Whether it's for clothes, make-up, shoes, or little knick-knacks, it always makes me happy. 

But.

I don't know if its just me or what, but when someone takes me to a store and says 'Alright, buy whatever you want', I panic. I freak out and can't find a single thing I like. I walk around the whole store a couple times, looking through everything and there's nothing. It then turns out, I've been in the store for about at least an hour and I still don't have a single thing. So I decide to do the next best thing, I walk around finding things that sort of look nice and just pick anything and everything that I might wear. By the end, I only end up with like 5 things. 

Once I'm home and I get the things out and try them on again. They end up looking weird on me. Its too long, which always happens since I'm only 5'3", or its too big, or its doesn't fit me around a certain area, and I just slump. I sit there and think, maybe I'll end up liking it later. 

Fast forward to later... I still don't like it, of course. Then I decide it's time to take these clothes back and buy something else with that money. Which I do. I find things way cuter and something I would definitely wear. Then I live happily ever after! 

I don't know if that only ever happens to me, but I struggle with it all the time. Why is that? Why do I get so overwhelmed when I have the opportunity to buy whatever I want? WHYYY?....

My Mini Dilema

So about 2 months ago, I moved out of my room and into the basement living room. It is literally twice the size of my old room. Which leads to major empty spaces for decorating. 

I have bought a couple things that look nice, but I am just not happy at all with how my room looks at this moment. Its a big rectangle room with a little extra square room in the corner, which I've turned into a walk-in-closet. I have like 2 tables, 4 drawers, 3 chairs, 2 sofa like chair thing, a room divider, and my bed. I have pictures on this shelve that is like attached to the wall and a couple paintings. I also have an oval mirror by my door leading into the garage. I mean I have all the major things, but it literally feels like an old person is living in my room instead of a 19 year old. It's so blah and it doesn't help that half my room wall is made out of wood. I want more little cute things without looking too crowded and messy. 

I've tried looking online at like Pinterest and things, but it is no use at all. I feel like theres nothing online that matches how my room looks like. 

I'm also stuck in between my different sides. One side is thinking in the future and how I would like it to look when I'm older and have everything just ready for that. I want something posh, but still cute with like stripes, dots, mint colors and little decors around my room. The other side just wants to be me and have fairy lights all over the place, with pictures hanging on strings, bed curtains, and have a very hippie/indie room. 

I was so excited when I first moved in. I had all these ideas about how I wanted to do my room, but once I've moved in here, I've realized that I have so much space and no creativity to fill it up with. I was like a minimal decor, but for it to still look cute and still be me. 

I feel so lost trying to be me. This is such a little thing to be going on about, but seriously. I need help. 

Stressing and Dressing

Finals. God they freak me out. I feel like I'm near death because of it.
Finals gets me shitting my pants and excited at the same time. Why? Because I am so ready to get school over with, but at the same time I'm not ready to take the exams. By the time finals come around, I feel exhausted. I am not capable of concentrating on anything. I never want to get out of bed in the morning. I just want to live in my sweats and sit right next to my heater.
But we can't all live in a fairytale world. Instead of rolling out of bed and just going straight to school, I dress up and do my make-up. Some might call me stupid and crazy. Why not get an extra 40 minutes of sleep instead of pampering myself? Because I enjoy looking good. Which is both a curse and gift.
Never do I ever have to be in College and think, well I look like shit today. I can go out shopping or something right after class ends if I wanted to, without worrying that I look like utter crap and am wearing sweats. I mean, its not the end of the world if I do, but it makes me feel much better. I like it when people compliment me on my lipstick color or the dress I'm wearing or how I did my hair that day. It feels good to express myself through dressing up.
Even though its winter, a Minnesota winter, which is always brutal, I just love to pair my skirts with tights, with a nice top even though people only see it when I take off my thick long North Face jacket off, because its freezing out. Even if I only take off my jacket for an hour while I'm sitting down at a table taking notes. It really is worth it.
In the end, I feel amazing. Looks aren't everything, but it feels good to look good. Of course I'm not doing it for other people. I want to look good for myself. It just makes me feel better about myself. Its not that I have my foundation, blush, lipstick, and mascara on. Its that I made an effort to feel good and am taking care of myself. That makes me feel really good.
Tell me, am I weird? Or does someone actually agree with me? Do I make sense even? Probably not. 

Blogging And Thoughts On Acid

Blogging. I've heard it for quite some time now. I wanted to start one, but I had my journal. I write when ever I can in my journal, but some time ago, someone told me something that made me lose interest in writing. Which is CRAZY. They said, why write something you want to get off your chest, but not have anyone read and read it at the same time, but if anyone actually ever read it, you would die. Am I even making sense? Anyway, I thought I would start writing a blog, but as I started, something happened. I couldn't find a name to keep myself anonymous. Everything is taken. I'm not creative enough. And now, there is a chance that someone I know might read this. As much as I didn't want that, I'm at a point where I don't REALLY care. I just want to write. There are other problems as well. I can't stick to one tense, past, present, or future. When I write, everything just comes rushing out of me. I don't even think about what I'm writing down. As long as I'm writing something, I feel good. I also can't stick to a point. I go off about anything and everything. I have come to accept it though. I can't write properly, but that's ok. I just want to write.
I've been going back and forth on starting a blog post. I wasn't sure if I could do it. But something happened today that I wanted to share it someone. Today in my Philosophy of Arts class, we talked about something that really got my attention.    Taking Acid.

Basically what happened was that this girl talked about how she wanted to do her final essay on her experience with nature when she was on acid, and she fell in love. She went on and on about the different things she did and saw. This all excited me very much. I have never done drugs before in my life. Forget drugs, I've never smoked, or drank alcohol. But acid, it was different. My Philosophy professor told us that acid isn't addictive and doesn't mess with you psychologically.  So I mean thats good. Of course no one was encouraging us to go on acid, but merely sharing with us their experience.
I will probably never take acid though. As much as I want to think I'm an outgoing and adventurous person, I know I won't do anything like that. I'm not exactly ballsy. But it is nice to image how that would be like. The things I would do, the different things I would see, and who I would do it with.

But yeah. That happened.
I don't quite know the whole concept of blogging yet. I don't know if this is too long, too weird, too stupid, or what, but I just thought I would write as I please. I don't know if anyone will even be interested in what I have to say, but I think I will continue writing anyways.